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Today’s Guardian says

And if your grandkid ever asks for sage advice, just regurgitate Kurt Vonnegut’s: don’t take liquor in the bedroom, and don’t stick anything in your ears.

I’m scared of being the granny everyone avoids. How do I get over this?, Eleanor Gordon-Smith, 24 Dec 2019

I’ve Googled but I can find no reference to Kurt Vonnegut (or anyone else) saying this. Did he say it? If not then who did? The only reference that Google finds is the Guardian article itself.

A E
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    There was a commercial for Q-tips in the 70s, I think, where the guy touts using the swabs for cleaning the outer ear. And he says "and, remember, never put anything ***in*** your ear, except your elbow....," and have seen the axiom phrased as "never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear." I always assumed this was an old bit of folk wisdom. Perhaps the attribution is from a Vonnegut character saying that in a book. – PoloHoleSet Dec 26 '19 at 15:48

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I have found some people quoting this as Vonnegut: "Never take liquor into the bedroom. Don’t stick anything in your ears. Be anything but an architect. Live in a nice country rather than a powerful one. Power makes everybody crazy. Get somebody to teach you to play a musical instrument." But as Einstein said, "Be skeptical about things you read on the internet."

I have also found the following passage published in Letters by Kurt Vonnegut, in a letter to Sam Lawrence:

"Advice my father gave me: Never take liquor into the bedroom. Don’t stick anything in your ears. Be anything but an architect. Your good mother is putting a present in the mail for you. Cheers, K"

And in another letter to Nanny Vonnegut:

"I think it’s important to live in a nice country rather than a powerful one. Power makes everybody crazy."

And yet another letter to Nanny:

"Also: get somebody to teach you to play a musical instrument"

So, it appears that your skepticism about The Guardian was misguided here, the online quotes are an agglutination of loose bits, though, and half invented, since a part of it is about advice he got from his father.

Kevin
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Quora Feans
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    Ah thanks! Looks like it was the difference between “liquor in the bedroom” and “into the bedroom” that was stopping me getting search results. – A E Dec 24 '19 at 22:52
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    @AE: yes, the Guardian slip, confusing “take liquor in the bedroom” and “take liquor into the bedroom”, are for a journalist inexcusable. These are different things. – Quora Feans Dec 25 '19 at 11:39
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    The crazy thing is: only *after* reading this answer I realized that the quote on the Title does not read "into" – guntbert Dec 25 '19 at 15:24
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    The ambiguity is also reliant on what many people would now consider an archaic use of the word "take". I know of nobody who "takes" liquor or "takes" coffee under the age of sixty ;) Er, unless you're asking "how do you take it" (in relation to sugar and milk), which is still in use with "da yoof", and I only just realised how that's an interesting hanger-on... – Lightness Races in Orbit Dec 25 '19 at 23:12
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    `as Einstein said, "Be skeptical about things you read on the internet."` I see what you did there – Jonathan Dec 26 '19 at 08:32
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    @Jonathan I'd always heard it ascribed to Lincoln. – Martin Bonner supports Monica Dec 26 '19 at 09:25
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    _These are different things_ Actually they only seem to be to those who don't get the advice ;-) – TaW Dec 26 '19 at 12:03
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    @QuoraFeans Can you expand on that a little? I'm reading the former to mean "[drink] liquor in the bedroom", and the latter to mean "take liquor into the bedroom [to drink it]." Which one am I misunderstanding? – pip install frisbee Dec 26 '19 at 13:05
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    @pipinstallMonica You could be taking liquor into the bedroom for someone *else* to drink. Or to pour down the ensuite bathroom sink because the bedroom is in fact a hotel room and you just took it away from your drunk spouse on the balcony. Or many other reasons. The point is that carrying liquor into a bedroom is a different activity than drinking liquor in the bedroom, and thus using a different meaning of the verb "to take". – Ross Presser Dec 26 '19 at 16:18
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    @MartinBonnersupportsMonica partially true, though Lincoln was in fact quoting Einstein. – briantist Dec 26 '19 at 17:41
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    @pipinstallMonica At least for me "Never take liquor in the bedroom" reads as just the literal meaning, but in contrast "Never take liquor into the bedroom" carries a strong implied meaning of "the bedroom" not as in a room, but as the metaphorical concept, i.e. as "Don't bring liquor into your sex life", "Don't make your bedroom activities reliant on alcohol", something like that. – Peteris Dec 26 '19 at 19:04