Are confident guys more likely to get a girlfriend?

Question

MenHealth.com writes:

Simply put, confidence gets the girl.

In Learn How You Can Get A Great Girlfriend on the blog DatingPaladin the author writes:

Getting a girlfriend is something that all straight guys want. [...] Confidence is the most important thing for getting girls.

The belief that man have to be confident to get in sexual relationships seems to be very popular on the internet.

Is there psychological research that proves that confident guys are less likely to be single than shy guys?

@georgechalhoub : The point of having evidence-based beliefs isn't to believe things because they are obvious. — Christian, May 26 '15 at 17:09
You're also mixing between **getting a girlfriend** or **having casual sex**. Those are two different things. — George Chalhoub, May 26 '15 at 17:20
VTC - there's no definition of either "confidence" or "getting the girl" to base actual scientific study (or even a less scientic poll) around. Plus what the last commenter said. If you can find a more precisely worded claim, it can be examined. — user5341, May 26 '15 at 17:42
@DVK : It's quite ironic. You complain that the question is to vague and at the same time provide an answer that doesn't even fit into the vague definition. Confidence is a word that has meaning to psychologists. I did provide a definition of getting the girl: "Not being single", "Regularly having sex with a girl" That's also relatively well defined. — Christian, May 26 '15 at 19:33
@Christian - is that the definition used by MensHealth? (being a man's magazine, I am almost certain they are just as- if not more - likely to use the definition "have a sexual encounter". The title of the article - "pick up" - is kind of an easy give-away). Somewhat tangentially, any psych study (or survey) would likely suffer from what an economist would call a discrepancy between revealed preference vs. stated preference. — user5341, May 26 '15 at 19:43
@DVK : In general this website does allow people who ask questions to define their questions. If you think I made up a strawman through my definition and as a result the claim I want to challenge lacks notability, please make that argument. In this case I don't see it. — Christian, May 26 '15 at 21:55
@Christian - yes, that's what I'm claiming ("strawman" to me implies malicious intent, so I'll rephrase taht as "you have not correctly worded your interpretation of the claim", which doesn't imply intent and merely making a mistake). Common English usage associates "picking up" women with instances of having sex, NOT steady romantic relationships. — user5341, May 26 '15 at 22:25
@Christian - also, see georgechalhoub's comment for a pythier version of my assertion. — user5341, May 26 '15 at 22:32
@DVK : This is not about my interpretation of what MenHealth wants to advocate. That's not how this website works. I quote MenHealth as illustration of a claim that I believe to be out there. You might say that the example doesn't convince you that there are really people out there who believe "confident guys are less likely to be single than shy guys" and I need to bring other examples to convince you. — Christian, May 26 '15 at 22:39
@Christian - OK, I'm quite fine with that interpretation. All I'm saying is that your notable claim example mismatches with your wording of what the claim is. You need to match them up (either by finding another notable claim that matches your wording, OR by fixing your claim phrasing - whichever one you prefer. But from my expeience, most of the notable claim on the topic are more likley to be of the "pick up" variety, so the former may be far harder). — user5341, May 26 '15 at 22:47
@DVK : This website doesn't have a rule for having to quote in every case. It's only required when notability is in doubt. Do you doubt that the claim is notable? (Apart from that there's no conflict between the sentence I quote and the rest of my question, it more that the sentence I quote is vague and very general) — Christian, May 26 '15 at 23:07
@Christian - the new quote is definitely better suited to your title... but (I could be wrong) random blogs are typically rejected by moderators as proof of notability. — user5341, May 27 '15 at 00:45

score 7 · Answer 1 · edited Jun 17 '20 at 09:41

This isn't exactly to my satisfaction on scientificalness of approach, but the best numbers I was able to find so far come out of this:

Match.com, which helped to pioneer the online dating industry, has revealed the results of its Singles in America: 2013 survey. More than 5,000 single men and women 18 and older participated in the survey. Here are some of the findings:

92% of single men feel comfortable if/when a woman asks them out
The "big three" criteria by which singles judge a date are grammar (83%), confidence (78%) and teeth (76%)

Elsewhere in that survey, it was mentioned that 83% of men wanted a confident woman, which means that the above generic 78% (assuming 50/50 survey response breakdown) would imply ~73% of women prefer confident men.

Obviously, this suffers from faults (self selection bias, demographics bias, bias of people pressured to respond to make a favourable opinion of themselves, as well as some assumptions outlined above). But it's the best I could find, and seems to indicate that confidence in a man is a pretty important factor as stated by Match.com responders.

Another possible fault of this survey (but it would be inherent in almost all sources using what people say vs. what they do) is that there may very well be a large discrepancy between revealed and stated preferences, that would be impossible to detect absent actual behavioral observation. (And even a behavioral observation would not necessarily be accurate unless done "in the wild", so to speak - without the pressure of being observed and judged by researchers).

There's no raw data available for the survey, but all the figures quoted above are found on their infographics/websites: http://blog.match.com/category/singles-in-america/ and http://www.singlesinamerica.com/

I think part of this could also be perceived confidence versus actual confidence. People don't always interpret your actions or feelings the same way you do. — Dispenser, May 26 '15 at 18:13
My wife told me she was attracted to me just yesterday because of my confidence when she first met me. Personally i feel like im supper self conscious and im a very shy, not outspoken person. but she thinks im confident so whatever that means lol, maybe all women dont actually know what the word means... — Himarm, May 26 '15 at 19:25
I asked for psychological research. This isn't. This isn't written by a psychologist who studies the subject. It doesn't study how many people get girlfriends or sex but how people rate each other. — Christian, May 26 '15 at 19:28
Do you know if the results are directly published anywhere? I've found various news articles talking about it (along with the quotes you have), but not anything direct from Match. Also, was it conducted on Match or OKCupid responders? — Is Begot, May 26 '15 at 20:07
@Geobits - there is an absolutely crappy Match website with infographics, but I was not able to find raw tables behind said infographics. Fixed. — user5341, May 26 '15 at 20:11

score 1 · Answer 2 · answered May 26 '15 at 19:32

1

In Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Identity in the United States: Data From the 2006–2008 National Survey of Family Growth from the CDC web site, Figure 1. Sexual behavior in lifetime among men and women aged 25–44 years: United States, 2006–2008 on page 9 claims that 97% of men have had vaginal intercourse with the opposite sex (and 90% oral sex with the opposite sex).

This data suggests that it's not just "confident" guys who "get the girl" but, rather, virtually all guys.

Similarly, table 2 on page 18 says that 1.2% of men aged 40-44 years have never had sexual contact with the opposite sex (nearly 80% of men in this age range have had exactly 1 female sexual partner in the last 12 months).

answered May 26 '15 at 19:32

ChrisW

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That's an interpretation, and quite possibly invalid one as far as your reached conclusion. (1) First, the question was about "likelyhood". A person who has had 1 sexual encounter, or 1 partner, would weigh in the same as Wilt Chamberlain in that survey, but 1000s of times less when you compare likelyhoods. (2) Also, it's quite possible that some of those people projected false confidence when they obtained their partner's interest, to obtain it. That survey doesn't take such a factor into account at all. – user5341 May 26 '15 at 19:37
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`First, the question was about "likelyhood".` Given that 98% of men "get the girl", then IMO the likelihood of a man having got the girl is about 98%. If the question had been about "getting 1000 girls" then I wouldn't have posted this answer. Also I was more-or-less ignoring the question-as-asked, and instead trying to give evidence related to the claim-as-quoted. – ChrisW May 26 '15 at 19:47
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the oroiginal claim is from an article titled "picking up" women. Therefore, a person who gets 1000 girls does, indeed, count as 1000 more successful under the **actual claim being examined** – user5341 May 26 '15 at 19:56
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The title says "a girlfriend" (singular). Also, "not being single" implies that one (steady) girlfriend is sufficient. If the OP edits their answer, to make it clear that they're referring to multiple or serial girlfriends, then I'll delete this answer. – ChrisW May 26 '15 at 20:01
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@the fact that the title incorrectly interprets the claim is kind of irrlevant. This site is for examining notable claims, not questions posed by the posters and distantly inspired by said notable claims :) – user5341 May 26 '15 at 20:08
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@DVK Thank you for commenting: it's clear now why you think this answer is inadequate. – ChrisW May 26 '15 at 20:11
fyi - I have flagged this for moderator to edit the title (since I can't edit it myself due to a pending edit from another user) to reflect the correct claim. – user5341 May 26 '15 at 20:36
@DVK : Quotes serve as illustration. The don't completely define a question. There isn't even a rule on this website that a question has to include a quote. If you don't think that anybody believes that "confident guys more likely to get a girlfriend" and therefore that claim isn't notable you can argue that, but I don't buy it. – Christian May 26 '15 at 22:25
@Christian - there are two completely different claims (with very different supporting evidence) - one is that "confident guys are more likely to get a sexual liason", another is "confident guys are more likely to obtain a gf". One was your question, another was the claim you used to illustrate notability. Amusingly, this answer doesn't address fully EITHER ONE of them, since merely indicating being a virgin or not does not account for EITHER sexual liason count OR amount of girfriends one had, or even whether lack of confidence was a factor (anyone can fake confidence with beer or buy sex) – user5341 May 26 '15 at 22:29
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-1 this is a [straw man argument](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man). You seem to be implying that because 97% of men over 25 have had sex, that means 97% of the time the guy gets the girl. Even if that implication were valid _(it's clearly preposterous to anyone who's ever tried to "get the girl")_, that **still** wouldn't answer the question of whether confidence increases those odds. – BlueRaja - Danny Pflughoeft May 26 '15 at 23:27
@BlueRaja-DannyPflughoeft Says you. I read the argument as saying, "You need to be confident to get a girlfriend"; whereas I read the evidence as saying, "Almost every man got a girlfriend". Am I automatically addressing a strawman if I disagree, i.e. if I fail to see the truth in the claim? – ChrisW May 26 '15 at 23:28
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Yes, because the question is not "Do you **need** to be confident to get a girlfriend", it's "Does being confident **increase your chances** of getting a girlfriend?" You are setting up a completely different question, then arguing against it. That is the very definition of a straw-man argument. – BlueRaja - Danny Pflughoeft May 26 '15 at 23:31
@BlueRaja-DannyPflughoeft Doesn't the evidence suggest that if you're a man then you're almost sure (98% sure) to have a girlfriend sometime in your life? And 90% sure to have (sexual intercourse with) a girlfriend (or wife) within the last year, if you're aged 40-44? Doesn't that imply that the answer is "no, confidence doesn't matter, or alternatively that nearly every man has proven to be sufficiently confident"? – ChrisW May 26 '15 at 23:38
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Would driving a tank **increase your chances** of getting to the centre of the village? Well, no not really: because your chances of doing that are already excellent if you just walk or take a car (or ride a bike, skateboard, horse, etc.) like anyone else. – ChrisW May 27 '15 at 00:05
@ChrisW - false analogy. A correct one would be "does driving a tank increas your chances of getting to the centre of the village that is being shot at from multiple angles by large caliber machine guns - meaning that most attempts to get to the center on foot or even car would fail spectacularly" – user5341 May 27 '15 at 00:43
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The false dichotomy here is that the spectrum of success in the dating field is being simplified to a binary "are you still a (heterosexual, penis-in-vagina) virgin?" – Oddthinking May 27 '15 at 03:00
@Oddthinking I thought it was logical: "Did he get a girlfriend? I don't know about that but he did have intercourse!" I thought that men can "have a girlfriend" without intercourse, but not "have intercourse" without a girlfriend: and so, if I want to claim that **every** man has/had a girlfriend, it's sufficient (though not necessary) to show they have/had sexual intercourse. – ChrisW May 27 '15 at 09:09
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Putting aside whether it is possible for a man to have consensual sex with someone not considered his "girlfriend", this is still a binary virgin/not-virgin. Other metrics might include: Number of sexual partners, number of sexual acts, number of dates, percentage of adult life spent in committed relationships, length of relationships, social status of partners, personal satisfaction with dating success. A man can be lonely or dissatisfied with dating success despite not being a virgin. – Oddthinking May 27 '15 at 13:08
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@Oddthinking Maybe having multiple girlfriends is a symptom of dissatisfaction, of being unable or unwilling to keep their first. Does it matter? Do you think an answer needs to consider all possible metrics? I thought the question was "Do you need to be confident to get a girlfriend?" and the answer "Not especially: statistics indicate that everybody gets a girlfriend." – ChrisW May 27 '15 at 13:15

Are confident guys more likely to get a girlfriend?

2 Answers2